Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Dull

“Where are moose and squirrel, Jones?”

You’ve already seen it, so this entreaty will fall on deaf ears. But I will tell you anyway: Save your $8.50 and use it to see Iron Man instead.

There was about half an hour where I wasn’t sure I hated Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and then…it all just kind of clicked and I realized that I really missed the Nazis. No, seriously.

The film is missing a key element: stakes. In the first film of what was–and should have remained–a fine trilogy, Indiana Jones has a clear objective: find the Ark of the Covenant and keep it out of the hands of the Nazis, who want to use it as a radio to God. The audience understands that: Nazis + the Ark = Uh-Oh. We now have a rooting interest in Indy to get there first. In the third film, simply substitute the Holy Grail for the Ark of the Covenant (sticking with power-hungry Nazis who want to live forever) and you get: Nazis + Holy Grail = a Third Reich that lasts even longer than 1000 years. Let’s go Indy and dad!

But the George Lucas and David Koepp script for the latest film neglects to inform audiences why they should root for Indiana Jones. Instead, we are given a lame storyline about a crystal skull that has some type of powers…of what kind we’re not certain…and the Soviets want it because…something about mind control…and if someone takes it to its resting place he gets its power…which is…what? I watched the movie and I don’t understand what the hell the crystal skull is.

Lucas wants me to disregard the hazy plotting, and just remember that Commies are bad and that we like Indy. And, while I think that for some people that’s good enough, it just wasn’t for me for two reasons: 1. This isn’t the 1950s–the Reds don’t scare me, Pops. 2. Indiana Jones is likeable because the first three movies were good–how many times do you hear someone say, “Man, the movie may have been crap, but Val Kilmer sure was likeable as Batman!”?

Thus, all the action sequences–and there are many, including a motorcycle chase, a car chase and a tank chase–feel lifeless because the audience does not know what’s at stake if Indy loses. Apparently, the Commies are going to…do…something…with this…Crystal Skull…which is…what exactly? With a simple, comprehensible story I might actually get on the edge of my seat as Indy tumbles over that waterfall because I know that the fate of the free world rests on his shoulders. I might jump when “the living dead” (is that what they were?) pop out of the temple’s walls because only Indy can deliver the skull to its resting place. But I didn’t. I just wondered why Indy decided to go traipsing off to Peru at 65 instead of retiring to his den to write a book about how he saved the world from Nazi domination…twice.

I would post about “Speed Racer” but…

…attention span is…

What was I saying?

Do you like seeing monkeys perform kung fu to break up expository scenes? Do you like movies that are so excited to get to the next scene that the directors literally show you part of that scene before the first one is finished? Do you like smoking crack? Then go see Speed Racer. I saw it 8 days ago and have just awoken from a serotonin-induced coma brought on by 70s-animation and shitty editing to type out this meager warning: Don’t…go…see…Speed…Racer…but…Christina…Ricci…looks…strangely…hot…in…it.

Here’s a Weekend Update: Fey and Poehler are funny

I didn’t say it was a newsflash. The duo stars in Baby Mama, and actually it’s a little surprising that (1) it took this long to pair them on screen and (2) Lorne Michaels is nowhere to be found (but plenty of SNL & 30 Rock alums are). They have changed very little about their “Fey-as-straight (wo)man and Poehler-as-jester” routine, except when did Fey’s cheek become so … scarless? I spent a chunk of the film playing Where’s Waldo with it. [I'm only slightly ashamed of that.] Anyway, Tina Fey’s signature scar may be difficult to spot, but luckily the same cannot be said for the laughs.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Let’s just get this out of the way: Yes, Jason Segel goes full frontal in the film. Apparently, he’s been watching one too many Harvey Keitel movies. That this much-talked-about scene happens near the beginning actually ends up working well thematically (though probably not intentionally) as it clues the audience in to a key component of this Judd Apatow production: What you will be watching for the next 90 to 120 minutes is purely pornographic. I don’t mean the sometimes-exposed breasts, or the language that not-so-subtly evokes a conversation between truckers over the CB after a cocaine-fueled night at the strip club, or even Jason Segel’s penis. Rather, it is the plot which is pornographic. Consider the steps:

The little movie that could (overseas): Run Fatboy Run

Aah, another charming, droll romantic comedy from across the pond, in the tradition of Death at a Funeral, Four Weddings & a Funeral, and The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill But Came Down For A Funeral… Wait, what? This came from us??

Be Kind Rewind

My friend Jesse was stirred by a little movie in 2004 called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It was everything a budding filmmaker could want in a movie: its story line was original, its structure was unconventional, and its director, a little-known French filmmaker named Michel Gondry, de-emphasized special effects in favor of do-it-yourself filmmaking (as much as possible). My same friend walked into Gondry’s 2006 The Science of Sleep with popcorn and soda in hand, as excited to see a film as children are to see Santa Claus. What he got was the yuletide equivalent of socks under the tree. Sure, they were those multicolored socks that Nepalese sherpas wear, but they were socks nonetheless.

I think he’ll be more pleased with Gondry’s latest effort, Be Kind Rewind. With the top-heavy movie cycle, in which box office receipts plummet after the opening weekend, Be Kind is probably already old news. There are a few reasons you should press the rewind button and go see it. The biggest reason: it’s ingenious.

Cloverfield is our post 9/11 Godzilla

At this point I think it’s safe to say that almost everyone who has seen Cloverfield agrees that it’s a rollicking good time; one of those popcorn movies where every jolt and twist is made all the more enjoyable by watching it in a packed theatre. That in itself is a major marker in our country’s progression beyond September 11th, as Cloverfield is the first movie that asks us to engage the event as drama, unpacked of all of its helplessness and heartbreak. In a way, it resembles the original Godzilla movie, a film that also used a monster as a stand in for a devastating attack. Ultimately, Cloverfield allows us to move forward by accepting 9/11 for what it was: a horrific attack by forces that we could not adequately understand and were powerless to stop.

The Oscars

I watched the Academy Awards from a Miami hotel room without internet access. These things happen. I am ready, however, to make my predictions. I know it’s unexpected, but I’m really thinking that Marion Cotillard can pull off an upset. And probably Tilda Swinton, too. You heard it here first.

Actually, the Academy did a good job this year. No Country actually was the best picture. When was the last time that the movie which deserved to be nominated and to win actually did? The Godfather Part II? One could make the case for The Departed last year, but that was essentially a make-up call for denying Scorsese repeatedly in the 70s, 80s and 90s. It’s hard, too, to dispute the acting choices. Daniel Day-Lewis is, well, Daniel Day-Lewis (or as my coworker watching with me called him: “Who?”), and Javier Bardem deserved to win the Best Supporting Actor Presented by SuperCuts Award.

As for the actress awards, I can’t really say if they are deserved as I do not believe women should be allowed to work. I am, after all, a freedom-hating Communist (as are Jon and Steve). If I was forced to comment, though, I would say that Tilda Swinton has been among the most underrated actresses around. From Thumbsucker to The Chronicles of Narnia she has had a knack for picking great characters. Her work in Michael Clayton was a highly original take on a character that most actresses would have played as a two-dimensional stereotypical “bitchy boss”.

Jon, any comments on the art direction and/or sound editing awards?

Oscars Live

Stay tuned for minute-by-minute blog entries for the Academy Awards, starting at 8:00 EST Sunday night.

The Top 10 of 29

Every year I make an effort to see 1-2 movies per week in the theater. Most years I fail. 2005-2006 in Scotland was the exception. On rainy afternoons, we chose from the slates of one multiplex and two art houses, all within walking distance, washing down our haggis and chips with buttery popcorn. After all the student discounts, it cost us on average about $4.00 per show. While there is no shortage of good theaters in DC, I also have a job and adult prices to pay. Thus, of the 306 Oscar-eligible films for the 2007 year, I managed to see only 29. A few I did not realize were Oscar-eligible, as they came out in Europe the prior year. These boosted my overall total. However, I did not realize that Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez’s double-feature, Grindhouse, was meant to be seen in its entirety as Netflix divvies them out separately. Thus, I’ve only seen the Rodriguez portion, Planet Terror. Jon–I think it’s still pretty fun even on a 16-inch Mac screen, but I don’t think it was going to make my top-ten. Here, in alphabetic order is the list of films I actually caught in their entirety: